there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
