well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
