Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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