Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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