im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
