Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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