she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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