he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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