Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I will pee on everything he values.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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