he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
