If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
