ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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