I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
