I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
