Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
God, I missed his penis.
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