1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
