I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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