If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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