Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
