youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
