$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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