Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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