the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
