I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
When are your genitals available?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
