Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
