sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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