yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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