She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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