The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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