We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
