he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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