bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
