Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
