my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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