she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
