i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
