Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
