just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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