i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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