His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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