she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just gargled with NyQuil
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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