The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Randomize
