if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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