I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
