Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize