I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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