dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
