Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She's JV to your varsity
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
