I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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