i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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