peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
