I cannot find my penis.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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