He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You dont lie about slip and slides
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
