If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
