just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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