bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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