If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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