The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
